First, let me tell you that this is not about sex. In fact, you’ll read about sex until the fifth sentence only. As always, this is about writing. But let’s have the sex rolling first.

Rex, of the male sex (There you go, the sex stops here.) and a freshman high school student, has been fantasizing about Lisa since they were classmates in elementary school. Although he still doesn’t understand the feeling, or even why he’s feeling it, one thing he knows is that looking at Lisa makes him ‘real hard’. What is unclear though is how he becomes ‘real hard’ when ogling at Lisa.

‘Gee, I don’t know,’ Rex confesses to Blas, his classmate. ‘It really makes me real hard. Like. . . real hard, you know.”

Blas doesnt know. And neither do I.

Now picture this, if you may.

Rex is currently in his room. He’s sitting on a chair, his back to the window, and an open book laid out on the table in front of him. Clear, so far? Good. Now, with that picture in your mind, one can safely infer that Rex is studying ‘real hard’ and that Rex appears to be a diligent student. Fair conclusion, yes? Yes.

But wait! Let’s have a little bit of light, shall we? As you may have noticed, the room seems to be unusually dim. The only light seeping through is coming from the tiny slits of the window blinds behind him. It seems a bit odd, isn’t it? It’s hot — it’s the freaking middle of the day — and the sun is shining outside in all its glory and yet. . . the blinds are down.

Now this is interesting. Rex, whom we believe is a diligent student, appears to be seriously studying a book in a very dark room! What sorcery is this? Has Rex been secretly hiding his magical power? An X-ray vision, perhaps?

Hmm. . . ‘Curiouser and curiouser,’ as Alice of the Alice in Wonderland fame used to say. I guess you’re also feeling a bit curiouser and curiouser now, aren’t you? Let’s now creep a little closer towards the table. Please mind the table corner. We don’t want you bumping into something ‘real hard’. Besides, we would not want to disturb the boy, would we?

Alright, stop! A few inches more and you would have experienced how it feels when a nose collides with a leg table. Let’s try to backtrack for a bit. There. This distance should be enough. In fact, it’s perfect. We can see the silhouette of the boy to our right, with the partly-closed window behind him. And then the door stands obliquely to our position. So without losing the boy in our periphery, we can, at the same time, see whoever comes barging through that door. Perfect. Abso-fucking-ly perfect.

Why this spot, you say? Well, let me tell you why, my friend. I chose this advantageous spot because I have a gut feeling that a rather ‘interesting’ scene will soon unfold in this very room any moments from now.

It’s really dark in here, don’t you think? What? Feels like you’re choking? Oh yeah, the darkness can sometimes be a bit stifling. Are you, by chance, claustrophobic? Thought so. Well, fear not. This won’t take long. Any minutes now and. . . well, you’ll see.

Hey, look at the boy! See anything odd? No? Look at his silhouette more closely. It’s really hard to see but if you concentrate well enough you’ll notice it. There, you see it? Rhythmic movements under the table. And yes, that’s his hand. Looks like he’s pounding something. And boy, is he pounding it ‘real hard’!

What? You’re hearing something? I can’t hea–oh yeah! He’s muttering something! Let’s edge a bit closer to him, shall we? Alright, this should be enough. If we move closer we will lose sight of the door. And we must not!

Oooh. . . Are you hearing what I’m hearing?

‘Lisa. . . Lisa. . . Lisa. . .’

Who is Lisa? Why is he repeatedly reciting her name? Why read a book in the darkness? And what is that thing he’s pounding ‘real hard’ below the table? Questions abound and the mystery deepens!

Dios mio! Did you hear that? A pattering of feet! And it’s edging closer. Somebody’s coming!

Look at Rex. He’s still oblivious to the rapidly approaching sound. Just look at the steady rhythm of his pounding. And by god, listen to how he utters the name now!

‘Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!’

There is now a sudden urgency to his voice. And it seems to me like he’s almost shouting her name already.

I fear that things are coming to a head now. We are soon to reach the inevitable climax, my friend! The only thing left to do now is to silence our breath and still the pounding of our excited hearts.

Listen to the feet! The pattering of feet has stopped by the door!

‘Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!’ Aaaaaaaaaaarrrceeeeeeeño!

‘Rex! Anong ginagaw–‘

‘Nay, eto na’ng apo mo!’

FIN

English translation and a bit of a backgrounder:

‘Rex! Anong ginagaw –‘ 
‘Rex! What are you doi–‘
‘Nay, eto na’ng apo mo!’
‘Mom, here’s your grandchild!’

This a true story of a schoolmate of mine in high school who was caught by his mother wanking in his room. He was so shocked when he found out he had been caught in flagrante delicto that he reportedly blurted out, ‘Mom, here’s your grandchild!’ with hands outstretched and sperm dribbling from his fingers.

image credit: medicaldaily.com

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